Humor

Why did the chicken cross the road?



SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh darn it,
he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Listen to me, the chicken crossed the road
because it was time for change! To be clear, the chicken wanted change!
Look, the chicken was ready for a change.

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this
really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the
road, or not. The chicken is either for us, or against us. There is no
middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell
my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people
see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the
road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart
warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went
on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did
the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RUSH LIMBAUGH: It's Obama's fault.

Choosing...again

I choose this moment, then forget, find myself being bothered or annoyed with something in my body, or my spouse, or my work – nurturing a grievance - hurting, angry, in pain and fearful and must choose again. It’s a minute-to-minute thing. My grievances hide the light of spirit in me. Miracles and grievances are mutually exclusive states. When I’m annoyed, pissed, angry, fearful I’m with ego, grieving.

The choice is to not trade miracles for grievances; to not trade the big Self, spirit, for the small self, ego. The miracle – accepting my oneness, forgiving my uncomfortable choices and seeing everything new and born again in spirit, is the correction for the ego and is already present within us. To experience it, I’ve got let go of ego’s distractions, the problems I perceive in my body and the world, the fear, anxiety, hate and blame, and return my focus to my soul and the choice I made for the ego, release that choice and choose again.

No matter how it seems, the problem is not something outside, but the mistaken choice within. To attempt to solve problems in the world is like going up to the movie screen to correct a focus problem. The solution and the problem are together, both in the projection booth. So it is with the grievances that I have. The solution and the problem are within me. Answers in the world merely raise other questions. In going within, centering, choosing again and turning from ego to spirit, I bring the problem to the answer – which, like the out of focus movie projector, was there all along.

Easy to say, difficult to do…moan and groan, grieve and complain. Along with choosing all the time, I’ve also got to remember all the time that it’s a process; it’s not a one time choice, not going to happen all at once and be done forever, it’s a constant, step by step thing. Yet the more I do it, the more I’m able to do it and the more progress I feel. But along with this progress, the crashes, even the little ones, are all the more painful.

A New Day

The last line in yesterday’s post was, act in the world from that place – from the place of soul connection, lightness, grace and ease, even with joy. To do this is to understand that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, that my being is more than what I think, feel and do. It is to let go and let God, appreciating what I think, feel and do, even if my ego doesn’t, and see it as feedback and as an opportunity to allow my soul to choose again. It is to embrace the shadow and accept the darker motives like revenge, hatred, anger and fear without judgment, but to not act from them. “The spirit contains all and to grow in spirit is to receive all,” Christian Larson said.

I want to be happy to begin right where I am, warts and all, hate, fear, lust and love. Let me consider myself as a newborn, and as one is with a newborn, let me be loving, compassionate and non-judgmental. After all, each day is an opportunity to celebrate new possibilities; we are constantly being born again into our daily lives. This day is an opportunity to recognize that yesterday is over and today we are new. What couldn’t be understood or even seen yesterday, probably will jump right out at us and be understood today. We can have a breakthrough today.

It is the ego that thinks today is simply a continuation of yesterday, that the way we are today is the way we’ve always been. This is the past defining the present. To think in this way would be to miss one of spirit’s greatest gifts; life’s constant unfolding. Moment by moment we are born again and I choose this moment to get my bloated nothingness out of the way; to allow the eternal newness in my soul to burst forth, and to be grateful for the grace and forward momentum of my reality as spirit.

Soul Guidance and "Charlie the Chooser"

According to the Course and most metaphysical/mystical traditions both East and West, what I’m experiencing, and always experience, is the difficulty of choice, of choosing between the ego and spirit. Even tho, deep down, I know I’m always with spirit and gradually awakening to my reality as spirit, choosing is an on-going, difficult process and I often lose my way. Even tho I attribute my vision of a compassionate, inclusive world that works for everyone, to spirit, if I were to see clearly, I’d have to admit that my deep investment in that vision is of the ego, not of spirit. Uh! Ow! – that hurts. The ‘investment’ part is ego, the needing it to be true, the feeling exposed, naked and vulnerable part if it isn’t happening, is ego, but the inspiration and the vision itself are of spirit.

Spirit is never exposed, naked and vulnerable; so if I’m feeling those things, I’m not with spirit and need to choose again. I’ve got to take the conditions that horrify and terrorize me as an ego, more lightly. I’ve tot to see it’s not about fixing the conditions my ego judges to be so fierce and terrible, it’s about understanding that I see them that way because I’ve chosen to identify with ego and then, realizing that, choose again to identify with spirit and from there work to change the conditions I fear and am uncomfortable with.

Both ego and spirit are there in my mind, not my physical brain, but my mind - the wholeness of spirit that I and you, truly am. A big part of the process is to forgive myself – look without judgment, guilt or blame, for having chosen the ego, the illusion of reality as a substitute for reality - the never-ending, unconditional Love of God.

What is it that is choosing between ego and spirit? Ken Wapnick of the Course calls it ‘Charlie the Chooser.’ I think of it as the soul, the essence of us that can never be extinguished, that which is eternal, has never been born and will never die. When I fully appreciate this idea of eternity and of eternally moving toward my reality as spirit, I can take a deep breath and relax and take my current experiences which seem so heavy and life and death, more lightly. I can appreciate their importance, but also realize there’s more. The soul uses all experiences to move us toward enlightenment, oneness and connection, regardless of our human judgments of good or bad. I want to be aware of this broader context for my life in the light of eternity and be grateful for every experience, whether the ego labels it bad or good, as an opportunity to lighten-up, choose spirit and act in the world from that place.

Shifting is hard work

I’m feeling kind of raw, vulnerable and exposed, endangered, really; many of the things I counted on to protect me – inclusive, compassionate ideals, political relationships and institutional arrangements - might be slipping away, leaving me vulnerable, exposed, endangered. For instance, I’m a VietVet, 100% disabled and also receiving Social Security – a double dipper. A Federal Gov’t shutdown would wipe out 55% of my monthly income. I’d be alright, wouldn’t have to re-mortgage the house or go on food stamps, as so many of my brothers and sisters have had to do during these rough times, but the idea that it might happen worries me and makes me angry.

I’m worried about Israel, too. The same type of holier-than-thou, narrow-minded, hard-line, right wing extremists are running that country as are running the US. As the wave of Islamic assertiveness sweeps the Middle East with the great potential for anti-Israel sentiment and worse - with the potential for active aggression, I worry. I am for the elimination of Arab despotism and the emergence of popular rule, I only hope such ‘popular rule’ doesn’t go the way of Iran. I’m also concerned that the US has lost a great deal of its influence in the region, both on Israel’s behalf and our own. America and Israel also seem to be losing influence in Latin America, as China, Iran and many other Arab countries become more assertive.

Oh, so many opportunities to practice! I want to know that what I fear need not materialize. I want to know that the ideals, structures and relationships which I have relied upon are not the only way to go, the only ones to rely on, or the Source of my peace and security. I want to know that ‘things’ are evolving, that how I’ve understood and related to these ideals, structures and relationships can shift without endangering me. I want to make peace with how I’ve used these things in the past, acknowledge that they have served me well, release them, and be with Source unfettered, free, and open to today’s revelation. Yes!

But doing this is painful, so painful! My very identity, and with it my sense of self and well being, are so bound up in the ideals, economics, politics and world view. Being with source “unfettered, free and open to today’s revelation,” is the goal, the ideal. But getting there won’t happen all at once. It will involve a process of reflection, re-thinking, and a gradual shifting; an increased trust in God’s love and Source’s beneficence and a release of my investment in my own small self’s knowledge, skills and abilities. Hard work, very hard; but worth it.

And really, what’s the alternative to doing the work and shifting? To become embittered, mean, cruel and radicalized; nasty, blaming, always anxious and fearful; to lose my compassion, vision and sense of wholeness? If I did that, I’d be a Republican, or worse, a Tea Party Republican.

Practice

Living a conscious, spiritually attuned life takes continuous practices especially in today’s world, see below:
Top 10 Shocking Attacks from the GOP War on Women
1) Republicans not only want to reduce women's access to abortion care, they're actually trying to redefine rape. After a major backlash, they promised to stop. But they haven't.
2) A state legislator in Georgia wants to change the legal term for victims of rape, stalking, and domestic violence to "accuser." But victims of other less gendered crimes, like burglary, would remain "victims."
3) In South Dakota, Republicans proposed a bill that could make it legal to murder a doctor who provides abortion care. (Yep, for real.)
4) Republicans want to cut nearly a billion dollars of food and other aid to low-income pregnant women, mothers, babies, and kids.
5) In Congress, Republicans have proposed a bill that would let hospitals allow a woman to die rather than perform an abortion necessary to save her life.
6) Maryland Republicans ended all county money for a low-income kids' preschool program. Why? No need, they said. Women should really be home with the kids, not out working.
7) And at the federal level, Republicans want to cut that same program, Head Start, by $1 billion. That means over 200,000 kids could lose their spots in preschool.
8) Two-thirds of the elderly poor are women, and Republicans are taking aim at them too. A spending bill would cut funding for employment services, meals, and housing for senior citizens.
9) Congress voted to approve a Republican amendment to cut all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers, one of the most trusted providers of basic health care and family planning in our country.
10) And if that wasn't enough, Republicans are pushing to eliminate all funds for the only federal family planning program. (For humans. But Republican Dan Burton has a bill to provide contraception for wild horses. You can't make this stuff up).
Now, I guess if you’re one of the people who approve of the above ten actions, all’s right with the world and God’s in his heaven. But if you’re like me and have any compassion or see the world differently than our Republican friends, what you’re practicing is the awareness that life is much bigger than any appearance – tho this is not an appearance, this is what they will do, if they can. We are practicing to identify more with the divine source and essence of our lives than with any human circumstance. We are practicing the idea that maybe all this will work out for the best….

I know I need the practice because what confronts my physical senses moment by moment, especially in the US political arena seems to be more real than the invisible presence of spirit at the center of each person. I want to understand and practice that God – love, compassion, inclusiveness, justice and a world that works for everyone, is closer than hands and feet, closer than breath, even in those who’s narrow values and beliefs are full of hate, exclusion, punishment and injustice. Boy do I want to know that and want that to be true!

I practice to know that this power, this God, this presence of love within everyone, even within the most radical, fundamentalist, American ayatollahs, is much more powerful than the conditions that seem to loom so large. With practice, and boy are these people giving me plenty of opportunities to practice, I will know how to evoke the love and compassion in myself and all humanity, that will transcend appearances and I will know, and help others know, the peace, love, compassion and justice that exists without dependence on events or circumstances; and see this peace, love, compassion and justice manifest in events and circumstances.

Drug addicted newborns

Headline from Monday’s Miami Herald: “Cases of drug-addicted newborns skyrocketing in Florida Hospitals.” My lesson for today from the Workbook of the Course in Miracles: “The light has come.” “Beyond the clouds of illusion – the complexity of our anger, judgments, suffering and anxiety – there is a light.” The subheading in the Herald story: “The number of babies born with drug withdrawl symptoms has spiked and healthcare workers are saying prescription pills are to blame.” And from the Workbook: “It is the light of the real world, the truth that shines outside the ego’s darkened dreams of separation and madness.” It’s not so much that the light comes for it has always been there within us, but that we have come to the light. Our experience is that the light has come to us, but in truth it never left, for it is always present in our minds. Since we are the ones who left the light, we are the ones who must return.

“Florida’s prescription drugs epidemic, already responsible for nearly seven deaths a day, is taking its toll on the youngest and most vulnerable in the state: newborns. In 2009, nearly 1,000 babies born in Florida hospitals were treated for drug withdrawal syndrome. They’re irritable. They don’t eat well. They can spend days, even weeks, detoxing. And the number is skyrocketing” “Since, we are the ones who left the light, we are the ones who must return.”

“Janet Colbert, a registered nurse in a neonatal intensive care unit at a Broward County hospital, witnesses with alarming frequency the physical trauma these newborns endure. ‘I kept seeing the torture these babies are going through,’ said Colbert, 59. ‘This one baby, he couldn’t even feed. He was screaming, his face was just quivering so badly he couldn’t even get his face around the nipple to feed.’” We are the ones who left the light by clinging to the ego’s illusion; we are the ones who must realize our wrong choice, that the darkness of our ego illusions does not make us happy. If we were to realize we did not sin but simply made a mistake, took the wrong turn because we listened to the wrong guide, that there must be another, better, way we could remember the guide who could truly help us.

“From 2006-2009, there was a 173% increase in newborns treated at Florida hospitals for drug withdrawal syndrome. The most recent data show no signs of a slowdown. During the first half of 2010, 635 cases were reported.” We can be saved from the prison of our own mistaken choice, the pain and suffering. Wherever we go, whatever we do – our right minds are filled with the light that is always there. There is another thought system in our minds that is totally separate from the ego. All we have to do is access it.

“Perscription drug abuse has become the number one public safety threat to Florida,” said former state Senator attorney Dave Aronberg, now leading the Attorney General’s anti-pill mill initiative. The newborn drug addiction statistics are ‘horrifying,’ and to Colbert, the numbers seem low.” This is a complex problem with the drug addicted newborn at the end of a long chain of terrible, ego-centered decisions. “Ego” means more than self-centered, selfishness, although that is included. Here ego means something much larger like original sin, the small self, the self cut-off from Source because it has sinned, the guilty, defensive, lonely self.

What made the parents abuse the drugs in the first place? How responsible is society for helping them overcome that addiction and to prevent it in the first place? What can be done to deal with the physicians that allow this abuse and the pharmacies and the enforcement officials who look the other way? But whatever we do, we must do it from that centered, non-ego place of connection with the light, without blame, fear and horror (horrible as this is), knowing that the light is within everyone of us, perps, enablers and active ‘evil’ doers as well, and go from there.