Up Tight

Another big battle this morning to stay positive, to let ego go and be with spirit. This has been going on every morning for what seems like my entire life. I want to get out of bed and as soon as my feet hit the floor, know that this is the day, the hour, the moment I let my bloated nothingness go, get out of my own way and connect with the spirit in and around me.

But I resist, feel anxious, my throat tightens up, it’s difficult to breath and sometimes my stomach has butterflies. I know this anxiety and resistance is not the truth about me, that I’m spirit first. I pray to let the anxiety go, to give it over, but the tightness remains.
I go through my routine anyhow, feeling tight, on edge, like walking a tightrope, barely avoiding a mistake and a deadly fall, criticizing, judging and beating myself up, not really having any fun, not really being positive, connected and joyful.

Being full of hope, wonder, joy and deep self-expression is the exception, not the rule. Some mornings are worse than others. And it used to be that the anxiety would diminish during the day to a low buzz. But lately, that’s not been the case and the tightness in my throat persists through the day. I keep trying to give it over, to know its not the truth about who I am, to sincerely ask to see this experience as the Course would have me see it, to see it differently, as spirit sees it, as a mistake, not a failure, and sometimes that helps.

Blogging helps, too; helps me get a sense of perspective and often to find a way to be the way I want to be. It’s not working so well this morning, my throat’s still tight.