Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Not making guilt real

“You cannot dispel guilt by making it real, and then atoning for it.” This is good advice, especially when I’m feeling weighted down by mistakes; beating myself up for the horrible things I’ve done, and for the way I’ve mistreated and possibly crippled my wife. Its one thing to fuck yourself up, but fucking up somebody else, feels unforgivable; especially when that person is fundamentally good and innocent and sweet. How’s that for making the guilt real? I know I have to let go of my mistakes, that dwelling on mistakes is dwelling in the past and the past is over, if I will let it be over, and that now is the only time I have to act.

I know the action to take now, when I feel the guilt is to let it go and turn it over to spirit. “The Holy Spirit dispels guilt simply through the calm recognition that it has never been…. As you look upon yourself and judge what you do honestly, you may be tempted to wonder how you can be guiltless. Yet consider this: You are not guiltless in time, but in eternity.”

This means that the thing to do now is to understand that guilt and the idea of time itself are of the ego - my bloated nothingness, and to get my bloated nothingness out of the way of the divine circuits, not by making guilt real, but by giving it to the Holy Spirit. I can feel the guilt and see it, making it a little bit real, but rather than dwell on it, and wallow in it - making it very real, I’ll give it over. In fact this turns out to be therapeutic.
“Do not hide suffering [guilt and mistakes] from His sight, but bring it gladly to Him. Lay before His eternal sanity all your hurt, and let Him heal you. Do not leave any spot of pain hidden from His Light, and search your mind carefuly for any thoughts you may fear to uncover. For He will heal every little thought you have kept to hurt you and cleanse it….”

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