Judgment as an Ego Defense

I’m judging myself. Some of the things I want to do don’t match my values. I feel guilty about doing them and violating my principles, but do them anyhow. The ensuing guilt and judgment not only take the fun out of doing those things, but out of doing everything. I feel as if I’m being ruled by a tyrant. I’m trying to honor my principles and follow rules to be a ‘good, decent’ person. But none of it is making me really happy – following the rules and not following the rules. The Course says I’m never upset for the reason I think.

That means, its not the things of the world that upset me - the things I want to do that I judge ‘wrong’, or the things I want to do that I judge ‘right’, but the fact that I think I’m in the world in the first place; that I feel guilty over having chosen the world over spirit. Judgment is only of the ego’s dichotomous world and judgment itself is the problem. It’s an indicator, like the need to plan, that I’ve once again identified with my body, the world and the ego. Judgment is another meaningless defense against the truth of my reality as spirit, another ego ploy to keep me busy in the world.

But damn it, it feels so important, meaningful and right, so necessary, to judge and follow the rules, to be the ‘best’ person I can be, as the world and my ego define ‘best’. But I’m never upset for the reason I think, and if I can remember that when I’m upset, I can let the world and judgment go and choose spirit instead. For I remain as God created me. I don’t have to struggle with the oh so believable illusions of the world, dichotomy and ego as I do. If I can remember I remain as God created me, my experience of everything will be different. I’m still in the world and the illusion, but see it differently, without fear, anger, and dread, with spirit. When I remember that there is ONLY spirit’s loving will, then illusions of another, alien will, disappear. I don’t have to fight and struggle with them, I can remember the truth and let the illusions disappear.

“Truth has a power far beyond defense, for no illusions can remain where truth has been allowed to enter. And it comes to any mind that would lay down its arms, and cease to play with folly.” My responsibility is to lay down my arms, setting aside my defensive system and exercising a little willingness to go back to the place in the mind where I chose against spirit. Spirit cannot bring truth to us. It is already within us. If I can bring my illusions to spirit, and look without judgment at them, they disappear. Looking without judgment and with spirit, without struggle, that’s what I want to do.