Friday, December 2, 2011

Knowing and Doing

Knowing the things I posted yesterday, isn’t the same as doing them. And doing them, isn’t the same as immediately getting the results – the feeling of oneness, peace, and connection to Source. It’s not easy to undo identification with ego, even for a moment. But ah, when I am able to, it’s so worth while!

I’m going thru a period of heavy ego identification right now. There’s something I want to do, and will do that ego doesn’t want me to do. Or, part of the ego - the parent, moralistic, punishing part doesn’t want me to. Whenever I think of what I want to do - something new and slightly dangerous, something on the fringes of main stream acceptability, but something I’ve wanted to do for my entire life, I get the thrills of anticipation, then the stress of doubt, anxiety and guilt.

Of course, it’s all ego – both what I want to do and the fear of what I want to do. However, the part that wants to do, feels more inspired and spiritually connected, as if it’s leading me to a fulfillment and completion. So, I commit to doing what I want to do, even tho the punishing, fearful ego is making me crazy, trying to talk me out of doing it and almost ruining it by taking the edge off and the joy out.

So, I pause, breath deeply, say a mental ‘thank you’ for the opportunity to remember and actually experience the ideas: by grace I live and by grace I am released, and the lord doeth the work, and invite my decision maker to let go of the ego and choose spirit instead. I forgive myself for once again falling into the ego’s web of illusion. No guilt, no blame, no drama, just a deep breath, a sigh and a ‘there I go again.’ Eventually this will work. But it’s a constant, frustrating back and forth until it does. But at least I have this to do. If I didn’t, I’d be crazier and more depressed, less happy and less creative than I am.

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