Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm a victim, what about you?

I’m a victim and I both enjoy it and hate it. I alternate between the two; probably enjoying it, not in an open honest way, more than I dislike it. ‘Enjoy’ isn’t really the right word ‘cause it’s not the same as enjoying sex or food, but in a way it is. The ‘enjoyment’ is tinged with guilt, ‘cause as a spiritual person I know I’m not supposed to feel like a victim or guilty.

The enjoyment comes from unleashing the terror and fear which justifies the nastiness. As a victim I can drop the pretense of niceness and civility and lash out at the sources of my victimization; and they are many: the media, my body, my spouse and kids, my job and society, the other political party. All these victimize me. I’ve got a pain in my left hand right now, and a stomach ache. Damn this body!

Damn this body? But wait, it’s my body. I’m stuck in here, do I really want to damn it? Aren’t I having enough trouble with it now, am I looking for more trouble, isn’t it damned already? Yes…and no. Yes, as long as I continue to think and feel like a victim I am a victim. But if I really don’t like how I feel and what I do from the victim perspective, then I can change it. Lot’s of people are dying of cancer but have swell attitudes. There are veterans with no arms and legs but they still love life. These people don’t see themselves as victims and choose not to feel and act like victims. My shit is petty and nothing compared to that. What about yours?

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