I’m alternating between dark despair and being moderately up; between wanting to write this and not wanting to bother; between thinking that maybe, just maybe, perhaps somebody might read it and be helped, and just doing it for myself, as a discipline, whether anybody reads it or not.
As I swing back and forth between these polar opposite ways of being, I experience that what I choose is what I get. But it isn’t a simple choice, like choosing which flavor of ice cream to have. It seems I can choose to feel up, but often it doesn’t hold, and I’m back to negativity.
The choice seems to get made at a deeper level, a conscious but unconscious place. Consciousness is necessary, but not enough. So, at the moment, right now, I’m feeling less hostile and victimized, less despair; so, with the idea that what I experience is feedback about what internal guide I’ve chosen, I guess I’ve chosen spirit instead of ego.
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